I had one of those days where you rewind and re-imagine. I had one of those more frequent than before moments of "what if I did decide to go back in the ministry?" I rolled it around in my head for a while like a peasant with the eyeball of a goat in his mouth and thought, is it possible to go back? Do you know when its the right time? Blah, blah, blah.
What interests me today is that people are talking about things that and naming things that I noticed about 10 years ago when I decided that I would never find a home in the ministry. Since I never thought myself highly enough to be a "prophet" or would dare claim such a distinction for myself (how arrogant is it of people to do that anyway?), and since I never thought that I would ever find a home that would give a damn about what was making me have that same sort of anxiety that bugged Kierkegaard, which he vividly describes over and over again, I dumped it and landed a great job of helping faculty be better teachers with technology. Sweet move. If God was behind that, I am still totally thankful. But still…I cant get that "what if" language out of my head.
Back then I was also too young and too immature. I did not know how to manage and lead people. Back then…budget? What is that anyway? I know how to do these things now, and do them well … at least I think. I mean I have never received a bad performance review so thats something. The more I muse about me and the church, the more I still have no clue if that peasants eyeball that keeps rolling around in my mouth is something that people need to hear, or would give a damn about if they heard. But still…what if?
Hell, among other ministers and theology-type folks who tend toward the liberal/progressive side of the fence its all good stuff. Even if I get a challenge, which I do less often than I would like actually, it is confirmation that it struck something deep enough inside to nourish conviction. Even many who totally disagree with me have admitted I am at least interesting and thought-provoking.
So tonight I heard just about everything that once was in my theology that I have since qualitatively rejected like LeBron slamming the hell out of a poor unsuspecting basketball into a poor unsuspecting hoop. I heard all of the talk about how God wants "us", meaning the individual, to have a heart for HIM like some cheesy Harlequin romance novel. I heard all about how much we are a selfish and rotten bunch of people, and that God loves us anyway, but if we don't listen we will go to hell. I heard again that heaven has all these stages and levels and that there is an intermediate one and an eternal one that will come to us in the last days when our bodies will be made perfect like the body of Jesus now. How God does not choose suffering, but lets it happen so we will understand grace. You get it. Perfectly formulated orthodoxy, right? Hell no. To me now, I think it is basically a gross misinterpretation of the Gospel through these individualistic and self-healing eyes of the 1970s. It is love songs, riffs on feeling good and happy (even though that apparently not what it is all about), and all about feeling fulfilled and existentially cool with the world, daddy-o.
Yet, this is what many folks seemed to need at the time. The person who preached/taught it was genuine, meant it, and I have absolutely no issue with him. Seems like a really good soul was with us tonight. Its also a message I cannot deliver to anyone one this earth with integrity – like the person did tonight. Therefore I cannot deliver it. Finding the truth is more important to me than feelings, my own status in the world, or the relative position of any ideas or ideologies that persist in the world, any world, right now. I have a message of hope for sure. One that challenges people to get off their respective asses and work out their salvation collectively – not as a bunch of individuals out to feel better about themselves as individuals. But who wants to hear that? Who would ordain that? Would anyone give a damn? Or, should anyone? I am not even quite sure I am doing enough with the message that is sometimes like tiny little bombs in whatever the soul is that is somehow "in" me.
So tonight that disgusting little eyeball keeps rolling in my mouth. Not sure I will ever have either the guts, the gall, or the understanding to swallow it. And if I am not sure I want it, who in the world would?
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I would suggest, Drew, that there are people looking for the message you have to share. However, there might not be many of them in local congregations. So if the passion is there you have some choices to make. Do you go into a local church and work patiently at transformation? Loving the people where they are and as they are but working gently at change? Do you have the patience for that?
Or do you start fresh somewhere with a new church, where from the beginning you are attracting only those who share your basic theology? Knowing, too, that because the message isn't the typical take on Christianity that the numbers who are attracted are going to be smaller. And therefore the church needs to live out a model that works well with that reality – like a house church – or you need to think about how to make the church a destination church where people will be willing to drive further because they want to be a part of that kind of church.
Or do you train your sights in a different direction, say like finding a way to be a source of leaven for pastors and parishioners who are in traditional churches but who are themselves wanting to shake things up?
I spent the first 8 years of my ministry in a church in Ohio discovering that I did not have the patience to work at transformation in a long-existing church. So I moved to MN to start a new church. Although it has its own challenges, it is in many ways much easier. And I sleep much better at night because I don't have to be someone I am not. Perhaps the most surprising thing about this church is the miles people will drive to be a part of it. Of course I also live in a metro area where people regularly drive a fair number of miles to get to work.
In any case, there are almost certainly people looking for the message you have in you. The question is: what is the best way to find them? Blogging? Preaching? Teaching? Writing?
Sounds like it's time for a new discernment group, bro if you do that in the PC(USA). As you reminded me once, we can't ignore these "nudges." If truly a call, God will not let us ignore them anyway. I know you are swamped with life, but start taking some quiet time to listen to the nudge, be with God, and then trust. Who knows why any of us get the call. It surely doesn't make sense to me. Remember, Jesus selected the most unlikely group of misfits to he His disciples. You even have a bunch of Episcopalians who apprectiate what you have to say
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had the good lord could not have picked a bunch of better misfits that the two of us – straight from the heart of dysfunction to healing. nice how that comes together eh?
i thought of a couple of stories. one was of a small church pastor who lead three struggled yoked congregations in the midwest. harvard undergraduate, doctorate in theology and one in philosophy yale and oxford. the reason why the pastor said he was in that odd situation rather than in a massive church or a faculty position? god called him there.
i also think of the many doctors of the church like chrysostom and calvin. none of them wanted to work in a church. they wanted to live monastic lives as scholars. but it was in the context of a congregation in which their best work was made real to people. fascinating.
Sounds like it's time for a new discernment group, bro if you do that in the PC(USA). As you reminded me once, we can't ignore these "nudges." If truly a call, God will not let us ignore them anyway. I know you are swamped with life, but start taking some quiet time to listen to the nudge, be with God, and then trust. Who knows why any of us get the call. It surely doesn't make sense to me. Remember, Jesus selected the most unlikely group of misfits to he His disciples. You even have a bunch of Episcopalians who apprectiate what you have to say
.
had the good lord could not have picked a bunch of better misfits that the two of us – straight from the heart of dysfunction to healing. nice how that comes together eh?
i thought of a couple of stories. one was of a small church pastor who lead three struggled yoked congregations in the midwest. harvard undergraduate, doctorate in theology and one in philosophy yale and oxford. the reason why the pastor said he was in that odd situation rather than in a massive church or a faculty position? god called him there.
i also think of the many doctors of the church like chrysostom and calvin. none of them wanted to work in a church. they wanted to live monastic lives as scholars. but it was in the context of a congregation in which their best work was made real to people. fascinating.